


you have a secret

by dollipop



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 23:52:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollipop/pseuds/dollipop
Summary: draco watches harry a little bit too much for it to be meaningless, doesn't he?don't be scared off by second person perspective.i'm not sure that it's done, but it is for now.it's au, not canon. obviously.





	you have a secret

you have a secret. you've been guarding it since you were 11 years old. there was an encounter, a chance missed, and since then you have wondered how differently things could have gone. you have watched, and waited for the right time, but it's never the right time. you're always being watched, both of you.

you have to be subtle. you must keep up appearances. you want to know that he's okay, but you can't seem concerned. everyone is watching. things are expected. so you ask, is it true? did you faint? 

(are you okay?)

but then you snicker and your friends around you snicker and you perform a mocking faint on the table. but he looks okay. 

that's good.

you sit in the great hall as dumbledore announces the champions, you cheer for that pretty girl from beauxbaton, the quidditch player. the hufflepuff not so much. and then one more name is called. and it's his. and your heart. . . pauses. how? someone next to you is outraged, how dare the golden boy have another chance at glory? part of you agrees, like he needs another reason for people to love him. but a part of you is terrified. that part is buried, deep. that part does not show on your face. you arrange it into disdain, but behind it is all of the ways this could go wrong.

it's all anyone can talk about. the boy who lived, the boy who cheated the system. factions form. some believe it was a mistake, but a majority think harry did it. even his best friend. that has to sting. some hufflepuffs make badges, childish things, but they catch on. you have to wear one. just in case. you hate it, and not just because it's tacky. 

you see him in the corridors, looking tense. you imagine you would be too, if you had challenges like his to deal with. you just have your normal, everyday challenges. being good enough. being you enough. your normal life is stress, but his. his is different. his is life and death. and you wish you could tell him someone understands. you wish you could collect all of the badges and burn them with him, watch the smoke meet the clouds.

you watch him one day, from a tree. maybe your gaze is a little soft, goyle looks at you funny. so you have to hop down, landing gracefully in front of him. you have to pick at him, for the sake of your reputation. the reason you do most things.

you get turned into a ferret for it. that gargoyle moody flies to harry's aid, turns you into a ferret and bounces you around. you're embarrassed, outraged. you actually mean it when you say that your father will hear about it. if ferrets could blush, you would be scarlet. 

the challenges end with the hufflepuff being killed by the dark lord, and harry manages to escape, and you're relieved and terrified and so, so conflicted. this is your future, after all. you have been pledged, you have pledged. you will do these things, for the dark lord. you will separate families like the hufflepuff's, you will cause blood to well, and cause loss. it is what you were made for. but he stands there, panting with fear and exertion, eyes haunted by what he has already seen, and you are not so sure anymore.

you don't know it, but he has been watching you too. he has noticed the hesitance that you thought you hide so well. he has seen through the performance. he remembers that day too, in madame malkin's. he wonders, too.

he is golden, but you are silver. unapproachable. hard. you are a mystery and he has never been one to let mysteries go unsolved. 

next term there is a new defence against the dark arts teacher, a horrid little woman in all pink from the ministry. you can't help but wonder what her qualifications are, besides being chosen by the minister. and your father, presumably. and who are you to question them?

she begins to change things, new rules one by one. harry is missing often, and soon more and more students are missing with him. you ask someone where they go, and they show you the room, and tell you they are preparing. you ask to join. you never ask to join. but something in you wants to be prepared, because something in you feels that things are changing. 

everyone looks at you when you enter, nose high, sure of yourself outwardly but so unsure inside. you know why everyone is staring. you're draco malfoy, your father is a death eater and so too will you be. why would you join dumbledore's army? but of course you aren't doing it for dumbledore, or for any sort of heroic defence reason. you're doing it for the same reason you do most things: self preservation.

 

and, of course, to be close by.

you learn spells, and you "learn" spells, pretending you didn't know them already. you keep your head down, uncharacteristically, and most people ignore you. but harry makes sure you're holding your wand right, and as much as it stings having someone correct you, especially in front of all those stupid muggleborns and mudbloods, any attention at all sends shivers that you try to hide. you wonder just how much he sees. 

soon you start to believe he sees more than he lets on. his hand begins to linger on your arm, he gives you a little more help than you need. surely the golden boy wouldn't . . . ?

you stay after, to ask a question.

the mudblood and the weasel leave, not wanting to be in the same room as you any longer than they need to. they figure harry can handle you himself. and he can.

you ask, what is the memory he has chosen for his patronus? you ask, how do you know it's your happiest? you ask, how do I know?

something in his eyes changes when you ask that one. when you go out on that ledge. he seems to be able to tell something has changed in you too. maybe it's the thought that you can't think of a happiest memory. maybe it's the thought that you could make one.

he is close to you and you can smell his soap. he is close to you and you can feel his breath.

he is close to you  
and you can touch him  
and you do.  
and he doesn't yank away.  
and he doesn't call you names.  
and he doesn't stop you when you slowly put your mouth on his.

and now you both have a secret.


End file.
